I was fluid & my spirit was at ONE with the universe

Making the decision to recover was a difficult, complicated and cognitive choice for me. On the one hand, I loved the bliss of drifting in the current of the eternal flow. Who wouldn't? It was beautiful there. My spirit beamed free, enormous, and peaceful. In the rapture of an engulfing bliss, I had to question what recovery really meant. Clearly there was some advantages to having a functional left hemisphere (LH). It would allow me the skills of interacting with the external world again. In this state of disability, however, attending to what I perceived as chaos was pure pain, and the effort it would take for me to recover, well, was that my priority?

Honestly, there were certain aspects of my new existence that I preferred over the way I had been before. I was not willing to compromise my new insights in the name of recovery. I liked knowing I was fluid. I loved knowing my spirit was at ONE with the universe and in flow with everything around me. I found it fascinating to be so in tune in to energy dynamics and body language. But most of all, I loved the feeling of deep inner peace that flooded the core of my very being.

I yearned to be in a place where people were calm and valued my experience of inner peace. Because of my heightened empathy, I found I was overly sensitive to feeling other people's stress. If recovery meant that I had to feel like they felt all the time, I wasn't interested. It was easy for me to separate my 'stuff' and emotions from other people's 'stuff' by choosing to observe but not engage. As MW puts it, " Could I rejoin the rat race without becoming a rat again?"